My Freudian Slip

This is a place that you can post anything that is related to human behavior, human sexuality, Freud, Pavlov, or just about anything related to the mind. That includes INFORMATIVE info about substances that alter behavior. Have fun and be creative.

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Location: Marilao, Bulacan, Philippines

Monday, May 15, 2006

Paulyn...I dedicate this update to you

Just when you think that you have life figured out; just when you have learned to shut off your heart, to remain forever callous, cold, and calculated; that same life that shuts you off, that beats you up like a rag doll, throws you for another unexpected loop. (Honey, sit quietly for one moment and listen to my heart speak to yours.)

I suppose that I have been hiding from myself, my fears, and even my own potential. It is an enormous responsibilty to fully embrace your innermost dreams. So, in this my public forum, I will disclose my most profound desire; one that I've at times chased like a madman; one that I've at other times avoided like a plague. More than becoming an physician or a neuroscientist; more than aquiring the "stuff" that our modern society says the we should hoard away; even more that becoming "self-actualized" like our cognitive-behaviorists want us to believe we should be. We all want to be loved...

The casual reader might understandably ask: what does love feel like? The sharpest pain that I've ever felt is when I came to the undeniable realization that the person that I loved with all my heart and soul; that I would have defended her life with my own; that I would bave dropped everthing dear and sacred to me on her request; and that almost cost me to lose my soul, didn't love me. That very anguish nearly caused me a personal tradegy of which recovery wouldn't have been possible. Luckily I am quite resiliant; I learned from a very young age to roll with the punches, and I obviously got through it relatively unscarred. It has taken a very fruitless relationship following this devastating realization for me to come to the conclusion that no matter how far I travel down the highway of despair; I cannot chose with whom I will love. If only life were so simple. Oh how wonderful to say that tomorrow I will move to such and such town, get such and such job, and fall in love with such and such person; and I will live happily ever after following my elaborate blueprint.

Ha! Wouldn't that be nice, to plan and self-concieve the love that will stop you in your tracks. touch your soul and move your heart? My dear, dear Pinay; that would be nice. Just not possible, at least not in my world.

Being in love with someone from a foreign land is very bewildering at best. At worst, for some, it makes for an impossible scenario. Who relocates to be with the one they love? Political red tape, burocracies endless as the sun, and corruption all play an important factor in deciding who will give up their life as they know it.

To be continued my love...

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